I don’t know, I guess I’m kinda depressed. And it’s even more depressing because Saturdays are normally really nice for me when I go out but this one pretty much wasn’t. If you follow my other blog and read what I post, you may have seen my last personal where I talked about the awkward incident which occurred in the house where I live. I think it has affected me in ways which I still feel today for example, I’m having a problem eating. I’m eating once a day (sometimes twice) and I feel really nauseous when I eat and such. I’m feeling hungry and when I feel extremely hungry I will eat, but I always feel like I will throw up or I can’t really finish eating because it makes me feel so sick to eat. So there’s that. Aside from the eating, there is also the awkwardness which I guess I deal with, but who likes to feel awkward right?
I’m also turning 20 on the 8th of December which is in a week and I don’t think I’m ready for it at all. I’m also no longer excited about my birthday because of all that’s going on, there’s also the fact that I haven’t concreted any plans yet and I don’t know I just feel like no one might care that much…. And I have so much work to do and I want to get such good grades and I just can’t really deal right now.
I can’t deal with awkwardness, and birthdays, and school, and planning, and dating, and I can’t. I can’t believe how time has flown right by and while I’m happy about it, it still catches me off-guard.
So today has been kinda sad, because I just feel really swamped with all this.
I’d never waited for anything in my life, I hated having to wait. From the time I was young, waiting was something I couldn’t stand to do. I’ve always been impatient. That, I think, was partly why I wanted to be actually living in the city because there was no waiting, and it was fast. As I had gotten older I had become more tolerant of the waiting process but it wasn’t something I favoured.
But it was weird. I hated waiting on the bus, but I enjoyed the time I had to myself while I was on it, listening to music and letting my mind wander. And I hated waiting to go back to Antigua, but that made it all the more delicious whenever the plane descended. And I hated waiting for you, but with waiting comes the splendour of getting what you’ve been waiting so patiently [impatiently] for.
So I wait.